Imogen's Insights

imogen_lily @ 2009-09-11T16:25:00

2009-09-11T15:46:39Z

I don't noramlly pimp communities, but since I've participated in this one I'll make an acception.

It's a challenge/prompt community for hurt/vulnerable/adorable Jared Padalecki/Sam Winchester, and bottom!Sam/Jared also.

Prompting has just closed and people are claiming prompts, for challenges, the fact I've just posted a million prompts myself has nothing to do with it of course ;p

Claiming prompts will begin on 15 SEPT!!

So if anyone happens to come across my journal, please, please go over and check it out. The more fics we get the better :D

Spread the love people!

http://community.livejournal.com/sasquatch_love/

my sister

2009-06-11T11:38:16Z

My sister, Jess and me used to fight constantly when we were growing up, including some all out physical fights with hair pulling etc. There's a four year age gap between us and I'm the elder although we always said we were born the wrong way round. People always said we'd grow to love each other as we got other btu at times especially when we were teenagers neither of us believed it. But they were right me and my sis get on really well now. She's a lot happier now she's flied the family home. She's always been an explorer, I'm a home bird.

Anyway she's just finished university abut a week ago and now has to wait for her results, but we've all found out that Jess has a heart condition. it was only picked up by accident when she went for a check-up about an infection she had. It's not life threatening, but it's still scary as hell for me. She has a hole in her heart, about a centimetre. it won't kill her but she'll need to be careful. My sister is a very active person, she's obessed with dancing and that's her hobbit, she does Latin, jazz and ballroom as wella s goes to the gym, so she's pretty fit. She was born with a hole but no one has picked it up. Mum at first was really scared, as two years before I was born, she'd had a son, Ben, who was born with a heart defect and he'd died three days later, but we know it's not hereditary or realted so at least that's a relief.

The weird thing is after I graduated I was so stressed out between that and family problems that I got a string of virus which lead to me getting CFS/ME a few months later, and I've still got it and Jess joked she's have to trump that after she graduated, which I guess she has. The idea of Jess or mum dying terryifies me, even more so than my brothers or anyone else. I know she'll be fine but I sometimes cna't help worrying. We've had a lot of death in my father: my dad, my grandparents, aunts and uncles. I know Jess will be fine, and she's not someone would lets a little hole in her heart stop her from living, and I admire her for that but it reminds me I guess of hwo easy it is to take basic things, like your heath for granted. I know I did until I got ME.

This isn't meant to be morbid, just really thinking aloud and I figured I should update my journal sometime this century.

17 things about me

2009-01-05T15:24:49Z

I'm bored and suffering from a horrid cold. This is the result of my cold-filled brain. I got it from someone's journal, but I can't remember who, so sorry in advance!

1. I have a dog (actually a puppy) called Milo. He's five months ago, and is the 'baby' of the family. He's a cocker spaniel and caramel coloured with a white chest

2. My real name is Jennie. Contrary to popular belief it's *not* short for Jennifer. , I'm just Jennie.

3. I call myself Imogen Lily here because, my mum wanted to call me Imogen, but the rest of the family wouldn't let her. I love the name so I use it here. Lily is my middle name and also my paternal grandmother's name (she was Lillian, I'm just Lily) but I never met her

4. I have three siblings, who's names all begin with J. This was not intensional! I also have two step-siblings. Out of all six of us, I am the second youngest

5. I am facinated with history. I find the present and future boring in comparison. This is probably why I adore fantasy but find sci-fi boring

6. I have absolutely no interest in celeb's lives. I hate, hate magazines like US Weekly, People and Now (British mag) to making us all feel we should be facinated by other people's lives, romances, shoes and mishaps. I've got my own life to shruggle and deal with.

7. I developed a love of comic books and computer games from my brothers and I still love them now. My favorite character is Gambit from the X-Men.

8. Before my sister was born, I played with Transformers hidden under my brother's bed instead of Barbie dolls

9. I have never dated anyone or been in a relationship, I want to have a relationship but I don't want to be with anyone I'm not certain with, and I haven't been certain of anyone yet.

10. I *hate* all alchol, so I don't drink. Period. It's nothing to do with religon or morals, I just hate the taste *shrugs* I'm a fussy eater generally

11. Due to my dyspraxia there are certain foods/clothes that I can't stand the taste/texture of. I am not trying to be deliberately awkward!

12. I have no memories of my dad who died when I was seven. He wasn't around me and my sister much before he died, so there isn't much to remember

13. Until I was 7 I wanted to be a witch. Then until I was 15 I wanted to be a history and drama teacher. Now I have no idea what I want to be, but I know I want to help people. My current idea and the one the appeals to be most is becoming a dramatherapist, but this takes about five years of training and doing an MA which is expensive...

14. I'd love to be able to write, be a published author (like most of the world) and I'm planning on doing a creative writting MA, but I tend to have too many ideas and not enough staying power right now. Hopefully that will change....

15. My school days were the worst of my life. I spent them in a bubble of almost perpetual fear over forgotting homework, being disorganized, dracoian unforgiving teachers and not having any friends. Things got better when I finally went to university. Despite my hatred of school, I still have a passion for learning that I'm glad I've still got

16. Most of my closest friends/social network revolves round friends I've met via the internet. I hate that these friendships are seen as less...valid somehow. I consider my 'internet' friends my best friends, and they have helped me through some really difficult times, as I have with them. I resent that we are portrayed as sad, disturbed loners. For people who are sick, like I was when I first got ME, the internet is often the best communication tool you have and it has saved my sanity on occasion.

17. I live my life by music. My iPod is one of my most valued and used tools. I always use it when walking anywhere, in the car, exercising. Songs are the quickest way to cheer me up - apart from chocolate (which doesn't last that long) I love all kinds of music: pop, rock, clasical, country, classic rock, blues, jazz - I love it all.

18. I'm not sure I want children. A part of me does, but another part of me thinks I'm too selfish and disorganised. I also worry that I - or the world would mess up my children, there's so many terrible things in the world, not just wars etc, but just day to day stuff like bullying and peer pressure that really weigh children down. That scares me.

19. I hate travelling, I'm very much a home bird and I get homesick if I'm away too long (read: over a week) I love learning new things and cultures, but at the same time I love and crave the familar and safe

20. I believe in God, but not in the church. I don't go to church, but I still pray. I despise how people warp it and take the Bible/Qu'Ran/Torrah out of context to fuel their own hatred and bigotry. Christians that go on about Wars on Terror, or saving America from homosexuals etc, should re-read the New Testiment. Jesus did not descriminate - in fact he went out of his way to befriend tax collectors, prosistutes - not the good and virtuous. He told people to love and forgive and most importantly not judge. Those that can't aren't real Christians in my books.

bonus: 21: My lucky number is 8. Dunno why!

I'm tagging Steph aka littlegreenleaf, Christina aka house_of_lantis, Anna aka cameilla_bloom and Persephone aka inkbymidnight - if any of you happen to see this entry that is!

2009

2009-01-01T11:52:38Z

It's now almost midday in England, around the time most of us emerge with hangovers *G*

I've started the new year with a cold, which has been threatening for the past week, so definately a good sign to the new year.

Everyone nervous about 2009 what with global warming, resessions, unemployment etc etc, but on the plus side America has Obama takingover. I was so, so releaved when he won, I was positive McCain would win. I have nothing against McCain personally, he appears a genuinely decent guy, but Palin.....she represents everything I loathe.

As usual I've barely begun to cover my aims I wrote last year (I don't do resolutions) and most still need doing.

The most essential thing for me right now is getting a new job, but with things the way they are right now that won't be easy. 12 hours a week just isn't enough. I don't think I'll ever be able to work full time withmy ME so I'm aiming for 25-ish hours a week and a job where a) I can have enough pay each month that I don't go overdrawn b) a job that stimulates me.

There's a part of me that loves working at the library, I hate the college I work for but my colleages in the library are all fantastic, and I knwo from personal experiance how important it is to have a supportive team around you at work, because otherwise it drives you into the ground.

The major thing to happen to me was I got a puppy. Trust me it's not as fun as it sounds! He's a cocker spaniel and I called him Milo and he's now five months old. I adore him, but it's been difficult having him, with all his training (especially toilet training which was a *nightmare*) and he's still got a long way to go, but he's a lovely dog.

Also I badly need to improve my social life, especially since I actually don't *have* one. I seem to have lost touch with a lot of people of the last year including a lot of friends, I know that happens and I know people move on. I'm not a natural socialiser so it won't be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is, is it?

Weight is still an on-going issue. My overall aim is to loose between 2 1/2 - 3 stone, then I'll be the right weight for my heigh, and it'll make my ME easier to manage. It's the whole 'one step forward three steps back' rountine. I just need something to motivate me.

My writting seems to *very* slowly be coming back, after not being able to write for the past couple of years, I can't say how happy this has made me.

I know for my next career step, I want to help people. Ultimately I think I want to be a dramatherapist but I'd also like to work in dyslexia and dyspraxia or even ME and educate people more about them, especially dyspraxia, because a lot of people - including my own family who are very supportive still don't always fully realise how it affects people in every day life.

I think I've rambled myself out now. I hope everyone has a good 2009. Yes the news will tell us things are worse than every before, and soem things are worse, but others are better, you just sometimes have to search for them. Remember, only the dramatic makes the news.

My Daemon g

2007-07-06T10:58:52Z

I'd say this was pretty accurate, not totally but pretty good. *squees*

Steph - would you find out what your Daemon is? Pretty please? *puppy eyes* I'm curious!! Also I'd love to see Mags's and Treacle's Daemon's if they see this entry.

Out with the old, in with the new

2007-06-27T19:09:27Z

I felt being British, I should comment on this momenteous occasion. We (finally) have a new Prime Minsiter and no suprises it's Gordon Brown. I've lost a lot of faith in the goverment, so I'm not sure how I feel about Brown. I do feel angry that Blair gets to jet around the world acting as public speaker after he forced the country into a war it didn't want and ignored the state of the country.

I'm also appauled at the 'war' between Blair and Brown, these are two inteligent, articulate men who squabble like children because they each want to rule the country. I can't imagine anything worse than ruling a country. The responsibilty and choices you have to make... *shudder* no thank you, I can do without power in my life.

That said I doubt my own life will change that much under Brown, I hope not anyway! I've got enough problems to deal with. I've got a list of non-cheap items I need to buy: TV, laptop, desk etc etc, all of which the old ones broke within days/weeks of each other. What fun *rolls eyes*

I have my hospital appointment finally on July 2nd to see if it's ME I've defiantely got, I hope it is because frankly being able to label what I have is a relief!

For those interested I've almost completed a fic index for my stories (limited selection though they are) which I'll post later on tonight.

my visual DNA

2007-06-20T17:13:44Z

I've got to say this is mostly accurate. I really don't think I'm a worker bee particularly but I do love persuing knowledge the rest is pretty accurate especially about me being a creature of habit and a home bird *g*

Steph, Mags and Treacle, I'm tagging you guys to do it as well, since I'd love to see the results for you all.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

24. Urgh.

2007-06-18T18:02:26Z

Well I'm now 24 yrs old. Only a year to go now until I'm a quarter of a century. Bleurgh. It doesn't help that I always get 'birthday blues' on my birthday, I think too much, but today's been pretty good.

My family came over yesterday for a meal and we went to see the Fantastic Four, and today my sister stayed an extra day and we and her boyfriend went for a walk and then bowling which was nice, since it's been years since I went, but it's nice, actually it was nicer than yesterday which was supposed to be my birthday celebration.

So does 24 mean I have to grow up now?

SQUEE!!!!!!!!!!

2007-05-30T18:07:30Z

I got tickets to Orlando's play "In Celebration"!!!!!! SQUEES!!!!!! *does happy dance*

Yes!!!!!!!!

Ahem. Sorry about that *g* I'm going on 21st August at 2.30, so fingers crossed it won't be too busy then. I'm in the stalls, although it's the back row of the stalls it should still be a good seat.

Poor mum has promised to come with me, (it's not really her cup of tea) if my friend Hayley can't make it, I'm hoping she could book a day off, but in case she can't mum will come. I can only guess how quickly the tickets are going so I know I'm really lucky to have been able to get one. *GGGG*

I just hope it's Orlando in Steven's role, not his understudy when I see it, as I know that sometimes happens. This is the first time I'll have 'seen' him, since I don't go to visit movie premieres etc.

I'm half thinking something will come along and jinx it....

imogen_lily @ 2007-05-22T21:44:00

2007-05-22T23:18:52Z

Facts about me you never needed to know!

Just for fun I'm tagging Steph and Mags to do this, and Treacle, if you fancy it.

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
electricity.

2. Where's the best place to eat a romantic dinner?
somewhere quiet, relaxed, with a good view

3. Last time you puked from drinking.
18th birthday party.

4. When is the last time you danced on a bar?
never happened. yet at least *g*

5. Name of your first grade teacher.
ummm, not quite sure what first grade teacher would be equiverlant to in England. If it's infant school, then Mrs Blackley. Evil woman.

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Writting, I need to write more of a new VigOrli I'm planning. My muses have deserted me *sobs*

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
History and drama teacher

8. How many colleges did you attend?
one

9. Why did you wear the shirt that you have on right now?
because it was clean and ironed and matched my trousers *g*

10. GAS PRICES: First thought?
too high

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you:
ummm....I can't limit it to one. Gah. Most likely my mum, but I'd have to take Steph and Mags with me too. Probably my sister too. Oh and Orlando of course! Gotta have man candy *G* As for the place it'd be Ireland.

12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning.
too early, ignored it and went back too sleep

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night.
remember to catch up on my emails

15. Favorite style of underwear for the opposite sex.
boxers

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
cooking

17. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer at an art gallery?
yep

18. Get up early or sleep in?
I'd like to sleep in, but it's really not good for me.

19. What is your favourite cartoon character?
Simpsons (mostly Homer), or Tom & Jerry

20. Favorite NON sexual thing to do at night with someone of the opposite sex?
watch a movie

21. A secret that you wouldn't mind everyone knowing?
I'm dyslexic

22. Are you planning on remaining in your current Job?
No way!!

23. Do you see yourself married in the next five years?
very unlikely, but never say never

24. Your favorite lunch meat.
does chicken count?

25. What do you get every time you go into Shoppers Drugmart?
what's that? We have beauty/cosmetic shops in England called Boots.

26. Beach or lake?
lakes

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual that was invented by people who died at 50?
No, I don't think it's necerssary, but if people are still getting married now when it's not 'sinful' to live with someone, there must be something in it.

28. TV show you miss.
Blackadder, or Sharpe

29. Favourite guilty pleasure.
Ben and Jerry's ice-cream

30. Favourite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about.
ummmmmmm......I like a lot of Disney movies, and the Princess Diaries movies are really sweet. *hides*

31. What's your drink?
Tea. How English *G*

32. Cowboys or Indians?
Both, at a binch cowboys. I blaime Hidalgo.

33. Cops or robbers?
Mostly cops....but sexy conmen on the other hand...*g*

34. Do you cheer for the bad guy in a movie?
Inteligent ones, yes (esp. Beanie!) Bad guys tend to get great lines and I think most women secrectly dig a bad boy a little *g*

35. What Hollywood star do you think resembles you best?
None. They would be considered too 'fat' to get any roles, because obviously being a size 8 is obese *snort* having said that, I'd like to say Anne Hathaway with a bit of Catherine Zeta-Jones *g*

36. If you had to pick one, which cast member of Lost would you be?
I don't really watch Lost *hides* but I know enough about it. Either Sawyer or Charlie

37. What do you want when you are sick?
left alone with Ribena, chocolate and TV.

38. Who from school would you like to run into?
The only person from school I actually was friends with! Oh and my old French teacher, who's my sister's godmother. She's lovely too *g* Anyone else from school....*shudders*

39. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
Classical music or Beach Boys CD, or I'll have my iPod

43. Raskolnikov (Crime & Punishment) or Leo Myshkin (the Idiot)
ummmmmm....I have to admit complete ignorance. I'm very ashamed of myself being an English graduate!

44. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back.
none.

45. Do you like the person who's directly across/beside from you at work?
nope, espeically since I'm not at work right now. When I was at work, no.

46. If you could get away with it, whom would you kill?
'Kill' goes against my every principal, completely remove from the public eye and strip away all power is another matter..mostly the usual suspects: Bush, Blair, Bush administration, Blair administration, homophoibic bigots, any religous extremists, people 'famous for being famous' I'd like to pile them all on a desert island. Without any rum or sea turtles to escape on, and hundreds of electric eels in the water.

47. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Leonardo DaVinci or Orlando

48. What famous person would you like to sleep with?
Orlando, but only in the most chaste sense of course, I'd hate to come off as lecherous or desperate and scare him *g*

49. Have you ever had to use a firearm?
what's that?

50. Last book you read.
The Jigsaw Man by Paul Britton

51. Do you have a teddy bear?
yes, I've only got three in my room, but a lot more are in the loft

52. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth.
uh kitchen

53. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go.
not sure, go anywhere really. Visit Steph!!

54. Number of texts in a day.
I don't know how to text. Pathetic I know

55. At this point in your life, would you rather start a new career or relationship?
Career, definately

56. Favourite winter Olympic sport.
none

57. Pencil or pen?
pen, except for drawing, obviously!

58. Ancient Egyptians or Mayans?
Egypitians, although I'd prefer ancient Greece *g*

59. How many jobs have you had?
about three 'proper' ones. I'm a settler *g*

60. Are you where you thought you would be at this age?
no, but I've still got a long time to figure things out. At least I hope I have!

imogen_lily @ 2007-04-26T10:21:00

2007-04-26T09:25:59Z

Well my eldest brother is now offically engaged. He preposed in Vienna to his girlfriend and she accepted. They want to get married around November, so that should be interesting, especially if they actually want me to be a bridesmaid....

Of course now I've got two engaged siblings I just need my other brother to get engaged and I'll be the only single, non-engaged one which'll be fun at extended family gatherings *groan* but I am happy for John (and Rachel) it's taken him ages to find someone who loves him and doesn't want to be 'just friends' so good luck to them both. Maybe mum will get to be a grandma after all *g*

health update

2007-04-16T15:17:35Z

Well I got my fun monthly trip to the doctor's this morning, at least I don't need to see him again for six weeks after this, which is good.

Bad news is pain-wise things aren't improving and I'm still constantly tired.

However I'm finally, finally getting a referal to hospital to see if they can figure out what the hell is going on.

I've been put on a waiting list (that's the NHS for you *g*) to go to the 'general Neurology' section, I'm crap at medical terms so I'm not sure what that entails but it sounds all serious and professional *g*, I'll have to wait at least eight weeks before I can see anyone, but it's definate progress. I just hope they have some answers as to what's going on with me, cause I'm sick of saying I don't know!

Help anyone??

2007-04-15T14:53:34Z

Can anyoen tell me how to do a fic index where you bunch & list all your stories and chapters together in one post? I've been wanting to do that for some time, but I've got no idea how you go about it!

thanks in advance

my life suketh

2007-04-14T19:50:01Z

Actually if my life just sucked it would actually be managable...

How do I sum up how...crappy (and that is the politest term I can use) my life had become? Hmmm.

It's one of those times when everything in your life goes wrong and it all colides together. What I'm going through is no worse than anyone else, but because it's affecting me so much it feels like it. Nothing's more personal and absorbing than our own misery.

my problems essentially boil down to:

1) Pain. I've been off work since Janurary with some undisclosed 'musculor-skellinton' problem. Which in plain English means I've been increadbly stiff and aching all over my body. In particular my neck, shoulders, back and knees. However now my arms/wrists and especailly fingers and occasionally ankles now feel really sore and stiff. Dignoses are vague at best. I could have M.E. or Fibromyalgia (which seem the more likely explaination to me) also in the running are possibly another 'strand' of that 'family' of viruses, such as Lupis. Another possibility is Post Viral Syndrome which is what I'm ended up telling people to just shut them up. People can't abide not knowing. it makes them suspiscous of me when I'm vague. That's hardly through choice! Right now I'd rather have a labelled disease simply because people can deal with 'labels' better. Having an undignosed illness/syndrome makes me suspect the worst, and makes people assume I'm faking.

2) My eldest brother. I love John, I really do and I know for a fact he's worried about me, I know because he's told me a few weeks ago. Through-out my life, he's always sought to give me advice/pep talks/lectures. That's the majority of my memories of my teen years. I know he has the best intensions but I'm so sick and pissed off with him right now. He always has Grand Plans for me; travelling to Canada for six months for example. he doesn't have a realistic outlook to things. He's worried I'm wasting my life, and at times I agree with him. I spend too much time on the computer - it's a sanctuary for me. A lot of my friends are on the net rather than in RL. For a long time I've lacked drive or motivation to change my life. I know there are certain things I need to do to improve my life, but it's so hard even getting in a positive mind-set most days and John just knocks all that out of me without even meaning to. In mnay ways he's really supportive but he also has a tendancy to get manic and not listen. He makes me feel like a failure by just being around him.

He's also critical of how people are handling me. He thinks mum is too soft on me and 'killing me with kindness' (that's a direct quote) and she probably is too soft on me, but to be honest i don't care. A lot of the time I think i'm about to shatter anyway.

3) Work. As I said, I've been off work since Janurary which isn't as fun as it sounds. For three months of that time I've been in a virtually perpetual state of depression and lethagy. It's been an achivement to drag myself out of bed at a half reasonable time most mornings. I haven't been having any fun, in some ways I think I've subconsiously been punishing myself for being off work. I've always suffered from a guilt complex. I also have a sense of responsibility and duty. I've gone into work when I've had awful three day migrains, and I feel I should be back at work now. Part of the problem is that the pain isn't constantly the same. it's always there, but at times it's managable and I can get on with things, at others I just want to curl up in bed and ignore the world - which is how I feel mentally a lot of the time. I feel as if people think I'm schiving off work. I feel as if I'm letting people down.

I've only got two months on full sick-pay left then I go down to half pay for a few months. That's a problem with paying rent, half my pay won't cover the bills, so I'm screwed on that front too.

I've decided I need a new job. My current job is essentially two jobs pushed together and left me with very free time and msot of my evenings taken up with work. I haven't been happy there for a long time, but I've stayed out a sense of duty because I know how stressful working there right now is for people. So mnay people are miserable at my work place.

4) My life. Or lack of it. I have no life, and more worryingly no idea what I want to do with it. I'm completely directionless which really worries me at 23. I could go travelling like John suggests and in many ways that would be a brilliant idea, except for the factors of money and my pain. I need to think both long-term and shorttime what I need and want. I think I've forgotten what I enjoy doing in truth. I've never been an active person. I'm crap at sports and stuff, I've never been a traveller either. I used to get homesick on two week holidays, and I've never been away from England without my family (very sad I know!) I barely have any friends right now. I'm good friends with my roommate (although I've currently come back home to my mum for some TLC) I don't have anyone to spend time with except my sister who's going back to uni next week, and living the life every university student should.

I just have no idea what I want to do, what I'd enjoy and between my depression, physical pain and general crapness of my life it's really hard to even think about the present. I have to loose weight as well (3 stone). I've gained quite a bit since I've been off work, but as with everything else in my life, I want to loose it, but my lack of motivation is making everything so bloody difficult. It doesn't help that I'm tired all the time either. Ironic, since I can't get to sleep some nights. Also just for extra fun, I've got three painful ulcers in my mouth that just won't go away and hurt whenever I try to eat.

Oh, and my sister and her fiancee might well split up so she's really depressed too.

Yes, life is grand.

Innocent Vs Guilty

2007-03-30T23:58:34Z

Well I had to see an "occupational therapist" person today about my extended sick leave. I was actually quite worried by it, as I thought they were basically there to cajole/force me back into work, but it wasn't like that at all. The woman interviewing me was really nice. She'd had a long period of absence from work and knew a lot about the stigma you can get and also gave me a lot of infomation about helping with my aching. They have to send a report to work, but I'll allowed to see it first, but she said I wasn't fit to be back at work, which sort of makes me feel less like a schiver. I know I'm not, but when I have good, mostly-pain free days I keep thinking I should be back at work, then like today when I've been constantly aching all over I remember why I'm not back at work. Anyway I'm glad that's out the way though. In an effort to tell everyone even more about me *g* I've answered a questionaire thingie. If any of you want to fill it out, I'd be very interested in seeing your answers. Oh - Mags and Steph, if you read this, you have to fill it out. *g*

OK, questions:

1. Dated outside your race? Innocent.

2. Given a hickey? Innocent.

3. Dated your best friend? Innocent.

4. Sung in the shower? Guilty.

5. Spit in someone's drink? Innocent.

6. Dumped someone? Innocent.

7. Opened your Christmas presents early? Guilty.

8. Lied to a friend? Guilty.

9. Seen "The Goonies" more than 10 times? Innocent.

10. Had more than five REAL bf/gfs? Innocent.

11. Played a computer game for more than 5 hours? Guilty.

12. Ran through the sprinklers? Innocent.

13. Ate food that fell on the floor? Guilty.

14. Went outside naked? Guilty.

15. Flashed somebody? Innocent.

16. Mooned somebody? Innocent.

17. Been on stage? Guilty.

18. Made someone cry? Guilty.

19. Been in a parade? Innocent.

20. Been in a school play? Guilty.

21. Drank beer? Innocent.

22. Gotten detention? Innocent.

25. Broken into a house? Innocent.

26. Gotten a tattoo? Innocent.

27. Gotten piercings? Innocent.

28. Cried so hard you threw up? Guilty.

29. Gotten into a shouting match? Guilty.

30. Been skinny dipping? Innocent.

31. Spun yourself in circles to get dizzy on purpose? Guilty.

32. Laughed so hard it hurt? Guilty.

33. Tripped on your own feet? Guilty.

34. Cried yourself to sleep? Guilty.

35. Cried in public? Guilty.

36. Thrown up in public? Guilty.

37. Lied to your parents? Guilty.

38. Skipped class? Innocent.

Fic: Ties That Bind

2007-03-12T23:59:32Z

Ties That Bind

By Imogen

Disclaimer: I don’t know these actors I haven’t met them and have no idea of their sexual preferences. I do own the children (except Milo). No profit is being made from this

Pairing: VigOrli

Summary: Life doesn’t follow a map

Notes: This part two of the ‘Exception to the Rule’ mini-series set in the future where Viggo and Orlando have a daughter, Freya. This part is told from Orlando’s PoV.

Feedback: Please! You were all so encouraging with the Freya PoV, I’d love see what you think of the ‘follow up’

Thanks to Mags and Steph for beta’ring it both. This story is dedicated to you both. Love you!!

To say my life hasn’t turned out as planned would be something of an understatement.

For most of my life I’d always had a fairly clear plan of what my life would be, but sometimes the details were a bit sketchy. It was mostly the usual things: partner, children, a place on earth to call my own. Until I was about sixteen I imagined a wife and three kids; hell, there was probably a white picket fence there for all I know.

But I learned fairly early on that fate has a habit of kicking those plans in the teeth, or throwing them out the window completely, which when I think about it, is just as well since I was never one to follow the rule book. Ask my mum or the number of doctors who’ve had to re-set various bones.

I think one of the things that first attracted me to Viggo was that he marched to the beat of his own drum, so to speak. It didn’t hurt that he was one of the most gorgeous people I’d met, male or female. Of course, Viggo doesn’t see that; his own beauty.

People sometimes label me as the ‘pretty one’ but, to me, it’s Viggo. Not that he’s pretty because he’s too ‘manly’ for that. The whole cleft chin doesn’t really give him a feminine appearance, but he is beautiful and, what’s more, he’s got the most beautiful soul I’ve ever seen. I swear I’m not normally this poetic. He brings out a lot in me that I otherwise keep hidden.

But I don’t regret a single moment of it. I refuse to. To do that would be to lose everything I have and, by everything, I mean Viggo, Freya and Henry. Yes, I count Hank (God knows how Fre gets away with still calling him ‘Hen’. Must be the puppy eyes…) as my child, despite that he is now fully grown man with his own life and that I’m not blood related to him. He’s the son of my heart. I’ve known him since he was twelve, and I couldn’t be more proud of him. Vig and Exene did an amazing job and I only hope I am doing half as good a job with Freya. I still get terrified at times that I could’ve been a better father, given up a job role, taken out more time to hug her or read with her; just normal bonding stuff.

I’m a tactile person; always have been. I hug and kiss indiscriminate of gender, and yes, God help me, I squee and giggle like a girl at times and low though it is, I’m not above using ‘puppy dog eyes’ or pouting to make my displeasure known. Some people get nervous around me, especially when I was younger; probably thought I’d dry-hump their leg or something. But despite my openly affectionate nature, I’ve always been pretty discriminating when it’s come to my partners. Of course, as I’m with Vig it’s rather a moot point anyway, since I take the whole ‘till death do us part’ thing pretty seriously.

I’ve learnt so much from him; I’m spent almost all my adult life with him when I think about it. I sometimes forget I’ve been with him since I was 23. Not bad going as far as ‘Hollywood marriages’ go. I sometimes wonder where all that time has gone. Strange how the years slip away without you noticing. It wasn’t that I didn’t so much notice time slipping away because that would imply I haven’t cared or noticed the time I’ve been with Viggo, but it’s more a case of time almost ceasing to exist, or at least matter when you’re insanely happy and in love…

Our relationship has been one of the most important things in my life. It defines me; anchor’s me in a way that nothing or no one else really can. Actually, that’s not true. Viggo isn’t the only person that anchors me, although at times it feels like it. Freya does that quite well, too.

I shouldn’t really wax lyrical about my daughter. She’s at an age where parents are universally and irredeemably uncool and just generally being in the same vicinity as her is worthy of embarrassment. I think she refers to her beloved parents as ‘randy geezers’. She’s really been hanging around Dom and Beanie too much. I’ll have to talk to them about that.

I think she likes using ‘Brit speak’, as she refers to it. She certainly doesn’t come off as an American teenager. She hasn’t quite got an American accent, and tends to slip into British slang when she’s trying to impress a boy – or when she want to prove just how mature she is. Don’t ask. I’ve been trying to figure her out for fourteen years without any success. So I’ve gracefully admitted defeat.

This really brings me to what all this is about, Freya. In many ways she really is my world. I know she’d hate to hear that, but she is. I sometimes wonder if she knows just how loved and how important she is to Viggo and me. Looking at her I realise how lucky I am to have her.

Children were always something I was adamant I wanted and I figured that someday I’d have some. Three was my ideal number. I didn’t mind the gender, but I remember when growing up how small my family seemed with just Mum, Sam and me. I wanted my children to have a bigger family. I know most kids aren’t massive fans of their siblings when they’re growing up. God knows me and Sam weren’t, but I like to think we’ve grown to appreciate and rely on each other over the years.

I remember when I first got together with Vig. All my plans for life sort of went right out the window. I’d planned at Guildhall to be a theatre actor, believing I could do Lear and Macbeth with the best of them. I never got into acting with the goal of being a ‘sex symbol’ or a movie star. I’d heard too many stories of how people had been chewed up and spat out in their quest for fame and glory. I didn’t want that. Also, more importantly, with the theatre I could be myself. Actors working in theatre were forgiven for not being 100% Full Blooded Hetro Male. I’ve lost count of the number of stage actors who were and are gay or bi. It’s a natural refuge for them. Theatre doesn’t care about blockbusters, pleasing the Moral Majority or its opening weekend box-office. Yet somehow I got sucked into the world that I was determined to avoid.

I’m not going to go into detail about Lord of the Rings because, frankly, there’s nothing new I could add. By now everyone knows I met Viggo there, we fell in love and shagged like bunnies happily ever after. Only it’s never quite that simple. Yes, we fell in love and shagging like bunnies was definitely part of the equation. I hope to God Freya never reads this because like all teenagers, she denies her parents have sex….ever! We all know how wrong and gross that is, but there was – and still is, lot of bunny shagging and, my God, that sounds so wrong phrased that way.

I’m aware I’m babbling; hard to believe I still do that, (Vig calls it ‘endearing’ I call it me being a prat) so I better get back on track again, I guess.

But my life has been far from the fairytale people try to paint it. They see someone who effortlessly won a part of a prancing (or nancing as some bastard Hobbits who will remain anonymous call it) blond elf and then managed to snag some major Hollywood films and roles based on his appearance and ability to speak nicely. I suppose that’s why the critics have always relished taking a chunk out of me, even now I’m an Oscar Winner. I can’t please all of them. Some snidely say I ‘won by an arse’. Now I know how Nicole Kidman feels when people say she won by her ‘Virginia Woolf nose’.

I try not to be narcisstic about my performances. I don’t read through the papers to get every review; that would be an act of masochism and I’m only like that for Vig…please just pretend I didn’t say that. But I have to keep a balance. As long as I feel I’ve done well, my fans aren’t disappointed and Vig and Freya are happy (of course a teenager will never give verbal approval, but I’ve occasionally spotted the odd smile) that’s all I can ask for. I’m very lucky that I have an extremely loyal fan-base, and that directors still trust me. I’ll admit I was amazed when Ridley wanted me for his prohibition epic. I would’ve thought the whole Kingdom episode was enough to put him off. I still get so pissed off when I think how much they butchered that beautiful movie. I only hope enough people got to see the real version. Anyway back to my fan-base (Hank and Freya refer to them as my ‘posse ‘n’ peeps’. Sigh.)

I’ve made some less than successful or conventional films over the years, but my fan bases have stuck by me. Yes, I’ve lost the majority of my ‘teen base’ or ‘tween’ as Freya calls it, but I can’t say I’m heart-broken. Johnny insists it’s because I’m still a pretty boy. Bloody wanker. He keeps ‘idly’ suggesting we make another film, just to see if the screens would explode with our ‘combined hotness.’ Vig thinks it’s a distinct possibility, saying the screens deserve some pity after the Pirates trilogy.

Yep, all my friends and hubby (God I love calling him that) are wankers. I need better friends and a better husband, only kidding.

You know, it’s weird, for someone who’s done speeches in front of thousands of people, you’d think it’d probably be the easiest thing in the world to speak like this, but it isn’t. That’s because this is my heart talking, and that isn’t something I show the world. My heart’s thoughts are private; something the public has no right to. Despite my affectionate manner, I’ve always liked to keep my personal life just that- personal. I don’t like to go around spilling details or dropping hints about my partner or personal heartache, so for me to do it even like this is…strange. Even though no one will see this, it’s hard because there’s so much I want to write down, to confess, admit; remember. So much has happened in my life.

Acting has always come naturally to me. To absorb yourself in someone else’s life is comforting at times. It’s a cliché, I know, but fame really is a two- edged sword. The biggest problem being that there is no ‘off’ button. I can’t suddenly stop being Orlando Bloom, The Actor. Believe me, at times I’ve tried. I’m not trying to garner sympathy or anything, because, when all’s said and done, I chose this life. If I wanted complete anonymity I could’ve chosen to be a teacher or a plumber but, having said that, being so suddenly thrust into Hollywood was a bit of a shocker, to put it mildly. If it hadn’t have been for Viggo and the Fellowship to support me during those few whirlwind years, I think I would’ve gone to pieces.

Most days I can handle media intrusion. I can put up with derogatory comments about my acting ability, my looks and my choice of partner. I can even put up with the interruptions of daily life when a fan wants an autograph or some prat decides to launch into a ‘God hates fags’ spew. It’s amazing that it still offends some people. I’ve always had a ‘don’t like, don’t watch’ perspective to things. Vig says I’m too enlightened for most people. Me? Enlightened, pfft! Hardly agree with that. Some days it feels like I’m still this wide-eyed boy from Canterbury. I don’t see Orlando Bloom Superstar or Oscar winner when I look in the mirror; I’m just someone who’s trying to get by each day and, really, that’s the best I can hope for. It’s all anyone can hope for.

Anyway, back to Vig and Freya. I sometimes think they really are my entire world. Of course the worst thing about that is the possibility that you could lose that world. For most people, it’s a vague possibility that lurks in our minds; sometimes jolted to the forefront when we hear about a car-accident or something. For me, it’s something that very nearly happened and why I cling to every precious memory, every day.

It seems as if I’ve come so close to loosing my world more than once. I don’t wonder how I would function without Freya and Viggo in my life because it terrifies me too much to even contemplate. I always thought I knew what true fear was before I became a parent or even before I met Viggo. Before all of that, to me true fear was losing my believed father, or finding out I wasn’t truly Orlando Bloom, that I was someone else’s child.

It was falling out of a three- story window, thinking I was go to die. It was hearing I would likely never walk again, then wishing I had died.

It was months of painful rehabilitation learning to walk again.

It was flying off to New Zealand to work with people I’d never met before for eighteen months.

Then I fell in love and fear took on a whole new meaning. Amidst the giddiness and ecstasy, there was fear and insecurity over how we’d manage our relationship, both to ourselves and the outside world. How would we deal with a 19 year age gap and being on set? I can still remember the fear surrounding our first fights, thinking it would be over for us, that Viggo would get sick of being with someone so much younger, fear over what would happen after New Zealand…

Then came Henry and fear of his reaction, how he viewed me, if I was good enough for Viggo…the list was endless. At times I could’ve driven myself to distraction with my incessant insecurities.

In spite of all that, nothing can top the fear you experience as a parent. I still remember Freya being born; waiting for her to take that first breath out of the womb was the longest and most painful experience of my life. She was three weeks early and looked so little and so fragile, as if the most minute of movements would break her. I remember crying and desperately thinking; why wouldn’t she cry? It was only a few seconds, but it was agony.

I so badly wanted to protect her from all the evils and hurts of the world but I can’t do that. I’ve had to learn and stand by while she’s fallen off a bike and grazed her knee, had injections, caught chickenpox. I still remember how terrified I was when she broke her arm falling off a swing when she was six. She looked so pale and small as Viggo and I held her on the way to the hospital. She was calmer than the pair of us. The worst thing, though, has been the prejudice she’s had to endure at having two fathers. It’s not just adults that are cruel; they pass their beliefs onto their children and Freya has had to suffer through their narrow-minded bigotry. I sometimes wonder if I have been selfish to have a child and subject her to this, but I can’t regret my choice. I love her too much.

So many people can hurt her. Classmates, tabloid stories…I remember she was so mad when they reported me having an affair with that clingy co-star of mine, Kate, I think (there are so many ‘Kate’s’ in Hollywood, it’s easy to loose track. At least she believed me that I’d never betray Poppy. I thought she was going to explode, and she has quite a temper when she chooses to, and then there’s just the general everyday crap she has to put up with from them.

I still want to skin that little bastard, Luke, for what he did to her. Hank might’ve claimed dibs on beating him up, and I love that he’s so protective of her, but every father reserves the right to deliver his own brand of justice to any male one who upsets his daughter. I don’t care if Freya ‘took care’ of him. I can still remember her crying for days in her room because of that jerk.

Most of my fear has been illogical and I can admit that. All parents fear for their children, fear that something will happen to their partner, that something will come along and destroy their life. We all have our moments of insecurity; then have to brush them aside and get on with life.

It’s what we do or we’d become too scared to live; only sometimes our world does fall apart. It was years ago, but just thinking about it still scares the shit out of me at how close I came to losing everything. I could blame Christian and the photo shoot, but really all Christian did was show the cracks in a slowly disintegrating marriage.

I suppose I should explain Christian. Christian DiMattio, world famous photographer, mentored by Bast, and darling of Vanity Fair. He’s intelligent, charming and extremely good looking. He’s also my ex. First boyfriend to be exact. First everything really. We bolstered each other up a lot during school and then Guildhall. When I got the Ring’s gig we still hooked up occasionally, (although only as friends when Viggo came into the picture) and kept track of each other’s careers. I was pleased he had done so well. He’d worked hard to get to where he was.

Who’d have predicted the two ‘class queers’, ‘Whorli’ and ‘Christy’ would’ve been the most successful in our class? And Freya complains about being nicknamed Freebie….

I hadn’t heard from Christian in a couple of years; then out of the blue, my agent Frankie, Robin the Pit-bull having been ‘removed’ from my services after she was rather vocal in her disapproval of mine and Viggo’s plan to out ourselves. She blamed Viggo for ‘throwing my career away’, so I told her to go, I threw her away you could say.

I’d just been home from my last movie shoot less than a week. It had been a gruelling ten-month shoot and I wanted to just spend some time with Freya and Vig and just relaxing; maybe even doing some sculpting. Vig had been bugging me about putting some of the pieces in his exhibits, but I’d always refused. The last thing I wanted to be accused of was nepotism, besides a lot of my sculpting was really just a way of relaxing, not serious at all.

Christian told me about a special photo-shoot and exhibition being held in Paris, and had practically begged me to be part of it. That’s one thing about Christian. He’s very persuasive.

The idea was that each of the celebrities would make a piece of art, being photographed and interviewed by Christian during the process, and then snapped with the finished product. I’d immediately agreed on the sole condition my normal ‘fee’ to Vanity Fair would be added to the charity proceeds. After that the artworks would go on sale and the entire value would be given to a charity of our choice.

Because of the sheer time it took, I ended up waiting about a month to hear from Christian but, by that time, I was practically dying to go.

Viggo had been unaccountably crabby ever since I mentioned the Vanity Fair shoot. I ended up cutting my conversations short with him, which I don’t normally do because I love talking to Viggo.

We’d ended up arguing over stupid things that came up from nowhere. Mostly over stupid things like making Sidi behave better (Viggo) or leaving paint covered clothes everywhere (me) and Freya seemed to come up a lot as well. We both seemed to have different ideas about how we wanted to raise her.

We’d ended up having a massive argument the night before I left for Paris when I picked up Freya from school to find her crying because of a group of WASP-ish children taunting her about her ‘sinning fathers’. I’d suggested sending her to a more private school, to potentially decrease the chances of bullying. Viggo had been dead set against it and an argument just grew from there. Thankfully Freya was asleep by this time. I sometimes think he forgets how difficult it is being a child. Bullying comes from the most ridiculous things: being too short/tall/fat /thin/rich/ poor/ smart….the list is endless but having two fathers…that is a time-bomb waiting to go off and I told him all of this. So, relations between us weren’t brilliant when he saw me off. It was the first time we hadn’t kissed goodbye. It hurt.

Needless to say, I was surprised when Viggo came down to watch the photo-shoot and was a complete pain in the arse from the beginning. From the moment I mentioned the shoot with Christian he’d been distant, brooding, but now he was snappish and bordering on rude to Christian. I was so embarrassed, especially when Christian was clearly trying to be polite.

It didn’t help that he (Christian) was like me in many respects. We were the same age, enjoyed the same things, had the same weird sense of humour and had a childlike streak to us. He wasn’t intimidated by my huggy nature; in fact he’s probably more tactile than I was.

During the shoot Christian’s hands always seemed to be touching me, my shoulders or stroking my hair, or leaning over as I was sculpting, yet I didn’t feel invaded or intimidated by it. It was just how Christian was and, in some ways, it was almost comforting. It’d felt so long since Viggo touched me.

Christian and I talked about everything and I ended up confiding in him my problems with Viggo. Christian said we probably just needed some time out and I agreed. Every time I looked up I seemed to see Viggo’s glowering face; jaw and fists tense as he pretended to read a book. After being with someone so long, there’s very little you don’t notice about them. Viggo and I notice everything about each other.

By the third evening, I’d had enough of Viggo’s sulking and demanded an explanation. He confessed he didn’t like Christian. He felt Christian was being too familiar; ‘taking liberties’ he called it, and had a reputation of something of a lothario with his clients.

I didn’t take this too well, after all, Christian was one of my oldest friends and who’d know him better than I would? More to the point, I told Viggo that I trusted Christian and he (Viggo) was acting like a jealous child. Viggo’s response was to pack his bags and head home. I never felt so alone as I did as I watched him go. He didn’t look back and I didn’t ask him to stay. Pride has always been humanity’s greatest downfall.

I tried to ring Viggo the next day and apologise but he refused to speak to me; putting me straight onto Freya instead. He’d never done that before. It’s a horrible thing to be rejected by someone you love. Thank God for children and their un-conditional love.

The sculpture took longer than I anticipated. Christian wasn’t happy with the photo angles and we had to re-shoot half of them. During that time we mostly talked; sometimes late into the evening when all the photographing was done. It felt easy to talk to him, although I’m sure the wine probably helped loosen my tongue. I told myself Viggo was wrong.

So what if Christian hugged me or stroked my shoulder? He’d always done that. Besides ex- lovers were bound to have a sense of familiarity. It was nothing that Eric, Beanie or Johnny hadn’t done a hundred times and they weren’t even ex-lovers. Viggo had never complained about that, or numerous hobbit glomps, so why did Christian bother him so much? I never complained about his still close friendship with Exene, so why couldn’t he give Christian……and me….the benefit of the doubt? It felt as if he didn’t trust me and it hurt.

At the end of the shoot I felt more relaxed and freer than I had in years, even though I was still hurting about Viggo’s attitude, and didn’t think twice about agreeing to dinner with Christian.

I know what you all must be thinking. Dinner alone with a handsome man in Paris is just asking for trouble but, at this point, I was beyond caring. If Viggo wasn’t going to make an effort to reconcile why should I? I’d tried for three days to talk to him and each time been rebuffed.

The dinner was amazing, but what else do you expect from the French? We talked and laughed about the shoot, school, our lives – everything really. Christian confessed he was surprised to see me married with a child, especially as I was married to someone ‘as crusty and old’ (Christian’s words) as Viggo.

By the end of the meal I’d consumed quite a bit of wine, and normally would’ve taken offence to Christian’s comment about Viggo’s age, but instead I was practically leaning on Christian and didn’t see anything wrong with his suggestion to come back to his hotel for a nightcap.

With Christian I had someone I could really talk to; unburden myself. Once that had been Viggo, but slowly and surely, a wall had recently sprung up between us, one which I had no idea how break down, and I was tired of trying.

As I was telling this to Christian I found myself crying in his arms. For myself, for Viggo, for what I was losing. I was about to apologise when I felt Christian kiss me; not the comforting kind of kiss but an all encompassing kiss, like the ones that used to make me weak in the knees, so many years ago, as he clasped onto my arm, trying to pull me closer.

Horrified, I pushed away from him, demanding to know what he was doing. Christian’s easy smile confirmed everything. I felt like such a complete idiot. Always the charmer. When he leant over to kiss me again, I got really angry; practically sprang up to get away. As I was grabbing my bag, Christian caught my arm, leant towards me and cupped my face. He asked why I was leaving, if things were so bad with Viggo as they seemed from what I had told him than he’d wait for me to separate from him. I told him he’d obviously forgotten something important about me. I was a fighter. I didn’t look back as I left Christian. He was smart enough to know when he’d lost. He lost me years ago, but it took me a while to realise this.

I spent the entire journey back agonising over what to say to Viggo. I knew it wasn’t just Christian and the shoot that had knocked us this far off course. I felt as if I barely knew Viggo anymore and was desperate to just re-connect with him, to give our marriage a fighting chance. I’ve never been one to give up easily. I refused to face a future in a wheelchair and I refused to lose my marriage.

That resolve seemed to die as soon as I got home. Everything was eerily quiet. I found Freya tucked in bed but no Viggo in our room. Instead I found him draped over his desk in his art room, a half finished canvas pushed to one side, slash marks marring the potential beauty of the piece. More telling still were the small collection of beer bottles empty on the desk, not to mention a half- drunk bottle of wine. Viggo was never much of a drinker but, when morose, he can drink Johnny under the table, and that takes some doing. Drinking was always a bad sign. Tentatively, I reached out my hand and shook him awake.

I wished I hadn’t.

After Viggo’s bloodshot eyes managing to focus on me, he frowned; then his eyes narrowed. He asked what I was doing back and I explained the shoot with Christian was finished and I was back home. Viggo looked at me for a moment, then smiled bitterly, asking how much Christian paid to fuck an ‘old buddy’, pointing out I should have got at least a hundred. Viggo has an acidic tongue when he’s drunk. I felt all the air go out of my lungs at once.

Then, without another word, he walked away into the kitchen. I felt so dirty. My husband had all but called me a whore. I could’ve left then, but I didn’t. I’ve never have known when to quit.

Instead I followed him into the kitchen. Ever mindful of our sleeping daughter, I hissed at him that I’d never slept Christian during the shoot; I’ve never wanted to. I looked Viggo in the eye and told him I’d always been faithful to him, that Christian had just been a friend and an ex. At Viggo’s disbelieving face I admitted Christian had kissed me but that I pushed him away.

At that point Viggo burst out laughing, it was an ugly sound, bordering on the hysterical. I was terrified he’d wake up Freya and demanded he keep the noise down. The last thing I wanted was for her to hear this. No child should here their parents fighting.

I asked him what I could do to make things better, if not for us than Freya. Viggo whirled on me stating it wasn’t his problem, Freya was more my child than his. At that point I snapped, and retorted I should’ve slept with Christian. The second I said it, I regretted it, but I didn’t apologise. As I turned to leave, Viggo grabbed me, shoving me against the door and demanded to know where I was going. Without thinking I replied ‘to get fucked by someone who’s not you.’

I knew I’d crossed the line when Viggo hit me.

I heard more than felt the punch as it connected with my jaw, though it hurt. You wouldn’t think it, but Viggo is a strong guy, and he’d pulled his punch at the last minute, but it still hurt like hell. I remember the sickly feeling of blood on mouth, and I was just frozen.

The second it was over, probably even before that, Viggo looked horrified. Sick with himself. We both knew we’d crossed some unspoken line. He immediately removed his grip, his eyes darting over me assessing the damage and reached out to touch me, but I pulled away, tears in my eyes. He had an expression of anger mingled with fear. I heard him try to apologise but I wouldn’t listen, I couldn’t even look at him; the man I’ve loved for so long. I just remember telling him to get out, there was no raised voice, no anger in my tone when I told him that, it probably came out as more of a whisper than anything, but I couldn’t stop trembling.

As illogical as it was, I was terrified he’d end up hitting Freya as well, even though he’s never hurt her, or me before. Viggo left without a word and, that evening, I cried myself to sleep, my face aching but my heart shattered.

Next morning I made sure to carefully cover the bruise before I woke up Freya, there was no way I ever wanted her to find out what had happened last night. She adored her Poppy and that was how it should be. I had no idea when Viggo would be back and, frankly, I didn’t care. I told her Poppy had gone to visit grandma for a bit. She nodded and stroked my face, as if she was trying to heal the pain there.

Frankie advised me to apply for a legal separation, citing it was best for not only Freya but for myself. It seemed she’d figured out what’d happened between me and Viggo without any words being exchanged. I eventually agreed to meet with a solicitor, and have some papers drawn up, if only to get her off my back for a while. She was scary when it comes to protecting me. I almost broke down when they arrived the next day.

As the days slipped by, I finally gathered up the courage to ring Viggo. He sounded terrible and admitted he was staying at a hotel ‘for now’. When I asked why he hadn’t gone to stay with Sean or one of our other friends he replied he was too ashamed. I told him to go stay with someone who’d actually take care of him. A part of me yelled to just take Viggo back but, even if he hadn’t hit me, I couldn’t. It was like we’d forgotten how to love each other. It essentially came down to this: were we prepared to fight for our love?

The question was answered when Dom, Billy and Lij demanded I meet them for lunch, since I’d become pretty much a recluse since Viggo walked out. Initially I refused on grounds of Freya needing me, but the bastards brought in Mum to handle that, and Mum was adamant I got out of the house.

When I met at the appointed place (a rather nice looking hotel room), I found a gaggle of shifty looking hobbits that ushered me into a side room, only to be confronted by Viggo. They must’ve seen the surprise and murder in my eyes because I’ve never seen any creatures move so fast. For about ten minutes we just stood there feeling awkward.

He looked worse than he sounded. It wasn’t so much his appearance, he’s never been overly fussed with being immaculately dressed and coifed at the best of times, but it was the eyes that were the most haunting. They just looked so broken and at that moment I knew I had to fight for us, regardless of what happened, because I loved him.

Suddenly Viggo pulled me close to him, wrapping his arms around me as he buried his head in my hair and cried. He kept apologising for everything; then I started crying and apologising. That was when we began to talk again. Properly this time. No accusations or blaming. We’d both acted badly after all. He admitted he’d left because he was scared. Viggo’s a pacifist, always has been, and the idea that he could hurt someone he loves terrified him. I can relate to that.

My mum seemed more than happy to take care of Freya for a couple of days while Viggo and I sorted things out and ‘re-connected’ If I didn’t know better I could’ve sworn she sounded smug.

It wasn’t easy. Unlike the movies, a swooping kiss or an ‘I love you’ doesn’t magically fix things, it was slow and painful but we worked at it.

I can still remember Viggo’s face when I told him I wanted him back home. He never kissed me for so long. But more than that was Freya’s face when she saw Viggo come through the door. He just scooped her up and twirled her around as she clung onto his neck. It wasn’t until Freya called my name that I seemed to snap out my trance. While still in Viggo’s arms, she flung her arms around me, and demanded that ‘Poppy kissed Daddy.’ Who am I to disobey my daughter?

I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed a kiss so much.

Being there in Viggo’s arms, with Freya wrapped around me, I couldn’t have wished for anything more. I know the whole separation affected Freya a lot more than she let on, but she still refuses to talk about it, claiming ‘it’s so yesterday.’ I think that’s her way of telling us that she’s glad her Daddy and Poppy are still together and ‘suck face’, although we try to keep the PDAs to a minimum. I’d hate to emotionally scar her for life. Hank claims his sister should remain innocent and unafraid.

Of course, that being said, I’m beginning to wonder if Milo might turn out to be more than a friend. Milo’s not the only one who makes puppy dog eyes when he thinks no one is watching…

END

Hate Will Not Win

2007-03-01T15:46:33Z

taken from littlegreanleaf journal

I am...

I am the guy who came out to the entire school in his senior speech and got a standing ovation for his courage.

I am the girl who kisses her girlfriend on the sidewalk and laughs at those who glare.

We are the couple who planned and studied and got a damn good lawyer and BEAT the state that wanted to take our child away.

We are the ones who took martial arts classes and carry pepper spray and are just too dangerous to gay bash.

I am the transgender person who uses the bathroom that suits me, and demands that any complaining staff explain their complaint to
my face in front of the entire restaurant -- and shares with my other trans friends which restaurants don't raise a stink.

I am the mother who told her lesbian daughter to invite her girlfriend over for dinner.

I am the father who punished his son for calling you a fag.

I am the preacher who told my congregation that love, not hate, is the definition of a true follower of God.

I am the girl who did not learn the meaning of "homosexual" until high school but never thought to question why two men might be kissing.

I am the woman who argues (quite loudly and vehemently) with the bigots who insist that you do not have the right to marry or raise children.

We are the high school class who agrees, unanimously, along with our teacher, that love should be all that matters.

==

If you agree, repost this. Do it. You don't have to be afraid. You can handle it. You're stronger than you think.

I am making a difference. Hate will not win.

imogen_lily @ 2007-02-24T16:11:00

2007-02-24T16:23:27Z

I'm not a big TV person, I really only use the TV to watch DVDs, so I'm a bit suprised when I started watching Life on Mars, as usual, I've been late to catch onto this latest TV favorite, and to be honest the first ep I watched I didn't enjoy much but after watching a couple in sucession I've begun to see what all the fuss is about. It's bloody funny. I think generally us Brits can appericate it more, especially with all the British-isms in it, and they capture the 70s so well. OK I wasn't alive in the 70s but my brothers were and I've seen enough photos and stuff to know what it was like, if that makes sense. The clothes, the buildings - everything it's digusting, unimaginative - pure 70s.

I love Gene Hunt.

And Kevin McNally's character, Harry. I saw him and internally squeed "Gibbs!!!" (I love him in PotC). But I love Gene Hunt. He owns that show. He's such a bastard and ashamed of it.

And the totally non PC-ness? I also love. I'm completely for equal oppertunities, but we've gone so far that it's all become meaningless. Yes, the platent homophobia, racism and sexism is cringeworthy but that's how the 70s was, and good on LoM for not shying away from that.

On a side note, I'm still off work (must be six weeks now) I've got another doctor's appointment on Monday. The paracetmol course hasn't made much differance in the constant aching, although the one up-side is the level of pain isn't the same all the time. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm blowing all this out of preportion and I should just get back to work. I feel so bad about having all this time off, but it's not normal to wake up aching and stiff every morning, is it?

It's alive!!!!

2007-02-08T23:31:15Z

Well a few weeks of back, chest, shoulder, chest and knee pain coupled with moving to a new house with no internet or phone line has kept me away from LJ for a while, but I've popped home (technically not my 'home' anymore since I've moved out) as I've had to go to the doctor, yet again, and I wanted to check up on my mails etc since the internet in my new house won't be connected until 28th Feb *sobs* and I figured I better update my livejournal, show I'm still alive etc. After being signed off work for the past two weeks I've now been signed off for a further three weeks, although I'm booked in to see the doc in 2 & a half weeks time, so I'll have to see how things go. I'm not looking forward to telling work tomorrow I'm still going to be off...

If any of you come across this entry can you fill in the questionaire thingie, I'm a curious person and want to know about you! Thanks.

1. Ever punch someone in the face?

2. How old are you?

3. Are you single or taken?

4. Eat with your hands or utensils?

5. Do you dream at night?

6. Ever seen a corpse?

7. Have you ever wished someone dead?

8. Do You Like Politics?

HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...

9. What's your philosophy on life? and death?

10. If you could do anything with me, and have no one know about it, what would it be?

11. Do you trust the police?

12. Do you like country music?

13. What is your fondest memory of me?

14. If you could change anything about yourself would you?

15. Would you date me?

16. What do you wear to sleep?

17. Have you ever peed in a pool? while you were still in it?

18. Would you hide evidence for me if I asked you to?

19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?

20. What is your favorite thing about me?

21. Do you think I'm attractive?

22. What's your favorite color?

23. If you could bring back anyone that has passed, who would it be?

24. Tell me one interesting/odd fact about you?

25. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

Ten weird things

2007-01-24T12:34:48Z

I saw this on Steph's LJ, and I thought I'd do it for me too.

Ten weird things...hmmm...

1) I can't stand looking at, or touching raw meat, it makes me feel sick

2) When checking my mails I always have to open the spam mails and from unknown people before I open mails from friends (saving the best till last *g*)

3) Thanks to my school I have a vast memory of old hymns (including our second 'anthem' Juruselum), and I can still remember the National Anthem off by heart *groans*

4) I refuse to watch any sort of reality TV, which makes some conversations difficult *g*

5) Between the ages of 3 to 7 I was obessed with witches, and decided to become on professionally (a mostly good one though!)

6) I once scared off the principal of the college where I now work. He had actually decided to come out of his office for once, and saw me and my sister in the college (mum had brought us in while she worked) and tried to make conversation with me. Big mistake. He asked what school I went to and for some reason I told him "Pinky Ponky Poo school". I was five at the time, and my family has never let me forget it.

7) I love history, the older the better, I'm a greater believer in looking and learning from the past. I'm especially facinated by the Tudor period, and I wish I'd done my degree in History

8) I'm a big tree person. I love them. When I'm feeling down just being around trees somehow cheers me up, it gets things in perspective for me.

9) I love comic books (X-Men, Spider-Man, Bat-Man and Daredevil specifically) my brothers got me into them when I was 12 and I got hooked. One of my favorite characters is Gambit from the X-Men comics

10) I'm crap at using mobile phones, I'm still trying to figure out the new one I got three months ago. Phones are my technological weakness *g*

imogen_lily @ 2007-01-18T15:58:00

2007-01-18T16:01:26Z

I have finally joined the 21st century, cracked and bought an iPod Nano (4GB)

I have just one question. Why the hell didn't I buy one much, much sooner? It makes the bus journies barable not having to listen to all the rowing families!

To conclude, to survive on the bus, or any public transport buy an iPod.

Now, if only I could figure out how to use my new, pretty mobile phone. Weird how I can use a computer with no problem and can't figure out how to use a mobile phone...hmmm....

Please fill out

2007-01-10T11:04:27Z

If you stop by my journal, could you please take the time to answer this for me in the comments. I'm really curious about getting to knwo people on my friends list better or just know more about you generally.

And that includes you Steph, Mags and Hayley!

1. Can you cook?

2. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?

3. What talent do you wish you had?

4. Favorite place?

5. Favorite vegetable?

6. What was the last book you read?

7. Are you Dirty or Clean?

8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?

9. Worst Habit? Biting my nails.

HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...

1. Do we know each other outside of Livejournal?

2. What's your philosophy on life?

3. Negative or Optimistic?

4. What was your dream growing up?

5. Worst thing to ever happen to you?

6. Do you think I'm hot or not?

7. Tell me one weird fact about you:

8. Would you have my back or kick me when I'm down?

9. Do you Trust me?

10. Have you ever kept anything from me?

11. What do you think of me as a Person?

12. Do you think I'm sane or insane?

13. Would you cry for me if I died?

14. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?

15. If you could change anything about me, would you?

16. How do you fall asleep?

17. Would you come over to yell at me or just call?

18. Would you go on a blind date if I set you up?

19. If I only had one day to live would you be honest or lie?

20. A million bucks...what would you do with it?

21. What is your worst fear?

22. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?

23. How many times did you curse at me while filling out this?

24. Can you sing or dance?

25. In one word, how would you describe me? Be honest....

26. Will you re post this so I can fill it out?

Yet another fine mess...

2007-01-05T14:54:01Z

I just love it when money overrules people's safety....*sighs*

I've just found out there will no longer be any security at Carlton Rd and they will be reducing the security guard down to one at the People's main site of the college where I work. That's very comforting since I'll be at People's in the evening shift, probably now by myself, and knowing that there have been some rather aggressive students at Carlton Rd (some of whom have criminal convications for GBH). That makes me feel great. Really.

*bangs head against desk*

God I want out of my job. Now.

Happy New Year!!

2006-12-31T22:20:55Z

It's not midnight in England yet but I just want to wish everyone on my friends list - and everyone else around the world a very happy new year, and hope the coming year bring you all luck and joy.

Steph, Mags, Treacle and Hayley I love you all very much, and I feel very lucky to know each of you.

Happy Christmas!

2006-12-26T15:31:34Z

I know this is a day late - family duties prevented me from using my computer yesterday *sighs* but I wanted to wish everyone on my friends lis a very happy christmas and a good new year.

Steph, Mags and Treacle I love you all, and I'm sending out special christmas hugs. Hayley, if you can read this I can't wait till we can move in together and I can beat you at Tekkan *g*

I hope everyone is having a good holiday!